


today, just do what you can.

by vent_ficpog



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Other, Self-Harm, TommyInnit - Freeform, Trans Male Character, Trans TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot - Freeform, me venting thru my hyperfixations, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:55:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28124223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vent_ficpog/pseuds/vent_ficpog
Summary: over the course of the years, hed told no one. not even his best friends knew. but tommy knew. and deep down he knew that one day someone would say something to fuck it all up, and thats just what happened.me venting thru my hyperfixation!
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 632





	today, just do what you can.

**Author's Note:**

> read carefully bc theres lots of mentions of self harm ! remember, this is just a vent fic fo rme and im okay! i’m going through some stuff but writing these genuinely does help. <3

the stream was set to begin in 30 minutes. tommy knew he had to get up. he couldnt dissapoint everyone and not show up! he was gonna be a big part of this stream and he couldnt just miss it because he was selfish. but for some reason, he couldnt force himself to get out of bed. everything hurt. even with his binder on, the dysphoria was so strong that it stung.

no one knew. no one at all. his parents probably had some idea, and the jerks at his school. but he'd never outright told anyone. he saved his money to buy a binder when he was fourteen, and ever since, he'd kept it to himself. he was terrified of what they would all say. 

his ribs ached and burned. the sensation caused his whole body to shake, trying to find a way to lay that wouldnt hurt. but it was no use, it would always hurt. he decided to take some ibuprofuen and start the stream, because he couldnt miss it.

here goes nothing, another stream.

\-------------

he was in a call with wilbur, tubbo, and phil when the dono came through. the stream had been going smoothly for the most part. a couple huge stabbing pains in his ribs ached as he tried to push through the stream. it had been an hour and 20 minutes, he usually stopped around an hour and 40. only a little left to go and he could go to sleep, and hopefully tomorrow hed wake up happy.

but no. the stars could never align for tommy. 

the dono came through on his streamlabs. he never had text to speech on, at least not usually, but he figured why the hell not. now he knows why.

"hey kya! been missing u since we went into lockdown, hope you can meet up w me and the rest of the girls soon! love u sister <3 also why’s ur name tommy on socials n stuff?”

everything in tommy screamed at him to end stream. he put on his best confused face before replying, "i think you've got the wrong person, sorry!" he pushed out a laugh, but his eyes quickly glossed over and his hands were shaking. he didnt miss the way wilburs face dropped a little. wilbur knew what happened when tommy had anxiety attacks, and that’s what this was, clearly. 

"anyway, thank you all for coming to the stream! think i'm gonna end stream a tad early, lots of editing to do tomorrow! we are gonna be raiding wilbur!" he smiled as normally as he could, but chat wasnt letting it go.

_whos kya LOL_

_guys his usernames tommyinnit how could they mess that up_

_probably a troller guys!_

_wtf guess ur kya now LMAO_

he ended the stream as quick as possible, wilbur following suit only minutes later. he threw his headphones off, clicking the disconnect on discord before collapsing to the floor, huddled in a ball. his phone was buzzing and ringing non stop, and eventually he forced himself to pick it up and check.

**wilbursoot:** _wtf was that about lol_

 **wilbursoot:** wait.

 **wilbursoot:** _tommy what the fuck call me right now please_

 **wilbursoot:** _im gonna text phil, i wont say anything but hes gonna check on you too okay? reply to one of us please_

 **wilbursoot:** _tommy please i think i understand_

all he could do was stare at the messages. he checked twitter only to see that kya was trending. he typed a tweet out as quick as he could and launched his phone across the room.

 **@tommyinnit:** _sometimes theres trollers in chat, no biggie! ill see you all tomorrow if im not editing <3_

\-------

his phone hadnt stopped ringing since he threw it into the corner. his discord was going off, philza had been calling him, and tubbo was texting too.

he couldnt be bothered to reply. he was terrified. wilbur had clearly figured it out, and he knew tommy had struggled with bad, self destructive stuff before and knew if his suspicions were right, he would probably be doing them right now. 

tommy eventually had to retrieve his phone, knowing his mum would call him from work soon. he had hundreds of discord messages, 21 missed calls from wilbur, 12 from tubbo, and 17 from phil. techno had even called once. he couldnt call back, but he did check the messages. hours had gone by.

**wilbursoot:** _tommy please reply_

 **wilbursoot:** _tommy i’ll still be your friend, i think i understand. you can talk to me_

 **wilbursoot:** _tubbo is terrified, please call him back._

_fuck._

**ph1lza:** _tommy, im coming to check on you._

 **ph1lza:** _wilbur is freaking out, wont tell me why, i’ll be there at four, okay?_

tommy checked the time. 3:28PM. phil cant come and see him like this.

if he was being honest, up until now, he hadnt even considered self-harming again. sure, he was going through the scariest thing in basically forever, but it didnt even cross his mind until wilbur and phil mentioned it. tubbo had no clue, but thats how it should be, to tommy.

his brain turned on autopilot as he walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. he fished out a secret hidden blade that wilbur had missed ever since the last incident. he stared at it and moved it to his arm. he stared, his mind not even giving him that flight or fight reaction. he was so calm.

what did he have to loose? he'd already lost it all. 

\---------

phil knocked loudly on tommys front door, address courtesy of wilbur who had visited tommy before. he saw no cars in the drive way, so he figured its better to enter and help tommy than worry about intruding.

the house was eerily silent. wilbur would be arriving any second, too. which, just on time, wilbur came running through the front door.

“phil! okay, he’s probably upstairs. cmon.” wilbur turned, scanning the kitchen for the stairs and sprinting up them.

they ran up the stairs towards tommys room. the bathroom door was closed and the light was on. phil knew that wasnt a good sign.

he raised a hand and knocked gently, waiting for a response. when he got none, he attempted to open the door. it was locked.

"tommy, mate? you in there?”

"who the hell- hello?" tommy called out from the other side of the door, terror filling his body. he had completly forgot phil was coming.

"tommy! holy shit. its wilbur and phil, open the door please."

a sharp inhale was audible through the door as fabric rustled. the sink ran and shut off, then the door creaked open.

"what the hell are you guys doing here?" tommy was a pro at acting innocent, especially in serious situations like this.

wilbur crept past phil, pulling tommy into a hug. phil looked around the bathroom, spotting a small blood drop by the tub.

"tommy, how long has this been here?" phil moved out of the way so they could see.

"ages, probably. guys, im fine. you can go now." tommy turned quickly on his heels, racing into his room, but he wasnt fast enough. wilbur reached out, grabbing his wrist and pulling him back. tommy inhaled sharply.

"tommy, promise me right now you didnt do something bad." wilbur stared at tommy with broken eyes. “you are taking your meds, right?”

"wilbur, im fine, okay? i dont even know why you guys are here!"

"that dono tommy! it felt too real, and your name definetly isnt what they called you. you can tell us anything, tommy! please." wilbur loosened his grip and tommys face faltered. “you never have to tell us anything, but you can trust us. it’s your choice at the end of the day, but we will always support you.” fuck. blood was soaking into his hoodie sleeve, he needed to change immedietly.

"guys, it was just a troller!" he attempted to pull his arm behind his back to cover the damage, but phil noticed. phil walked across the hallway and into tommys room, tommy and wilbur following. wilbur stood by the door, closing it.

"alright mate, sleeves up then." phil cracked his knuckles, opening a first aid kit he’d found under the sink.

tommys eyes widened as he recoiled from their grasp. "guys, listen, i didnt do anything. i promise."

wilbur gave him a questioning look, still standing by the door.

"you fellas show up in my house, interrogate me over something i have no clue about, then insist i did something bad!" tommys head felt light. he felt like he was gonna faint.

"what the hell is tha- oh my god. wilbur, look. see tommy! look, your sleeve is soaked in blood.” phil rolled up his own sleeves, hoping tommy would too.

"no its not! fucking hell-" and then all he saw was black. he couldnt open his eyes. he couldnt breathe. they knew. and they would hate him. his thoughts were racing as he felt the fabric on his arms roll up to his elbows. they knew. they knew. 

and then, he didnt think anything at all. he passed out, most likely due to the blood loss his frail body hadnt had time to compensate for. the anxiety also swallowed him whole.

\-----

he woke to people speaking. couldnt be his parents, they were out late on a date night tonight and wouldnt be home until at least midnight. thats when he remembered. SHIT. he felt his arms, feeling the bandages wrapped around his left arm.

"hes awake!" wilbur turned, looking at tommy.

"thank god. hey, toms." phil gave a sad smile, almost pity.

"uh, hi guys."

"you dont have to tell us about it if you dont want to, but just know we love and support you no matter what happens, okay?" Phil reached out, wrapping tommy in a hug.

the words came spilling out before tommy could stop them. "im trans. that name that person said on my stream, that was my name i got at birth. no one knows, not even my parents. people from school fuck with me about it but ive never confirmed it, so its hard for them to find shit to make fun of. please dont hate me. i got scared, i really did. i couldnt move, i didnt even mean to do this," he said, gesturing to his left arm, "i just fucking zoned out and it just happened. i didnt mean to. i understand if you guys hate me, im just so fucking scared. i dont wanna loose the best thing ive ever had." every emotion he had been holding in broke, like a dam. phil just rubbed his back as he sobbed, wilbur joining the hug.

"we support you, toms. nothing will change between us all because of this. im sure it will blow over soon, and you never have to tell anyone if you dont want to. i know we scared you, by showing up, its just that with your past, we couldnt risk something bad happening to you." phil pulled away from the hug, looking tommy in the eyes.

"today, just do what you can."


End file.
